The Ten Commandments Of New York Real Estate
- New York is your master, and New York will be your home. Thee have been brought out of the wilderness (i.e. anywhere else)…why else would you pay this much per square foot?
2. Thou shall not use Streeteasy alone as thee real estate bible. Beware photo shop, and “cozy” or “charming” descriptions. Unless thou love “impossibly small” and “shabby chic”, in which case, bless you and your teeny tiny apartment.
3. Thou shall love no other apartment better than your New York one. And while you are at it, thou best check your Co-op Bylaws to see if you can even use your pad as a pied-e-terre.
4. Location, location, location. That’s what thou is paying for. But thou knew that already.
5. Thou shall not take your neighborhoods name in vain. Unless you are Donald Fagen or John Mulaney, something like: “We would never do that on The Upper West Side” is just not cool. Not to mention, “We don’t roll that way in Ditmas Park”, which is, well, biblically problematic.
6. Remember Saturday is Farmers Market day. Thou shall keep it like a holy promise. You think people in Rensselaer run into that much world class fresh produce and varieties of jam walking down the street? Now where is that guy who sells the artisan mayonnaise…
7. Honor thy super, doormen, porters and elevator operator. The same people who do the easy stuff (door opening, button pushing), will save your assets when things get nutty. And trust me, at some point in buying and selling a New York apartment, it will (emotionally) feel nuttier than at least one of the ten plagues.
8. Thou shall cross no apartment threshold unless prepared. Thee shall have your documentation ready. Buying? — be pre-approved and have proof of funds ready. Renting? — have two years of tax returns, a letter from your previous landlord, and proof of employment. This scripture will put thee in good standing.
9. Thou shall not commit adultery. Let’s say you live in the East Village or Soho. It’s fine to covet Brooklyn every now and then. But when you find yourself spending more Saturdays at Brooklyn Flea or BAM than “in the city”, you my friend, are committing some serious inter-borough adultery.
10. Thou shall treat your agent as rabbi, priest, guru and messiah all wrapped into one, for he sees you as divine and deserving. In other words, I really love you man.
